The news in Portland the local media missed

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Phil Knight to sell University of Oregon

Beaverton, OR – In a sign that the economic recession is impacting even the wealthy, Phil Knight announced today that he intends to sell the University of Oregon. Knight, who is the co-founder and CEO of Nike (NKE), has decided to downsize his personal holdings and focus on his core businesses.

“With the economic downturn, I have decided to return my focus back to running Nike,” stated Knight. “The University of Oregon and its fast, African-American athletes will always have a cherished place in my heart.”

This disposition plans for Knight have been rumored for months. It is widely believed that Knight has been pressured by Nike’s Board of Directors to focus solely on Nike’s branding of sports apparel and equipment, and that Knights’ personal venture, like picking out ipads for the university’s lacrosse team, was a distraction.

“We have to get back to basics,” said one Nike board member on condition of anonymity. ”We’ve seen sales drop during the recession and it is in our shareholders’ best interest, not to mention thousands of Asian children we employ who need us in order to help feed their families.”

Richard Lariviere, President of the University of Oregon, was complimentary of Knight. “The University of Oregon has enjoyed a great relationship with Mr. Knight. He has been the most responsive boss any University president could ever hope to work for, like the time we needed 70 million dollars for that one thing and that other time when we needed 42 million dollars. We can only hope that our next owner is half as supportive as Mr. Knight has been. ”

Some U of O Alumni, however, are happy to see Knight go. "He reminds me of the creepy uncle who shows up to Thanksgiving dinner unannounced," said Josh Hollin, class of 91'. "I don't trust a man with beady eyes, a pearly grin and a ginger beard."

The sale of the university ends weeks of speculation as numerous U.S. buyers have been rumored to show interest in acquiring the University, as well as buyers from other countries such as Canada, Brazil and North Dakota.

Local Northwest conglomerate Paul Allen was one logical choice to acquire the University but backed out after learning Eugene was not on the Ocean and had no port that could dock his 400 foot yacht, Seamen Worthy. Outside investor groups as far away as Pensacola, Florida have expressed interest in the University. James Hardy, Chairman of the Pensacola City Council, expressed immediate interest.

“As you all know, Florida sucks and is often referred to as America's wang," said Hardy. "We think the University of Oree-gon would be a positive asset for the city and state. We've taken a beating with the oil spill and this could be a nice pick-me-up for Pensacola. Living on the water, we wouldn't even need to change the duck mascot, maybe just add some oil to his feathers."

The announcement was well received by the market as shareholders seem relieved to once again have Knight’s full attention back at Nike. Shares of Nike were up 4.7%, or $3.42, in after-hours of trading shortly after the announcement.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Man with Bandura to Give Free Show in Park

Sellwood Park - You know it must be summertime when Lenny Carpenter announces his annual free concert in the park featuring the Bandura. Since 2004, Carpenter has given a free show in the Sellwood Park every August 1st.

"I think people enjoy hearing the Bandura," stated Carpenter of the unusual instrument, which has been described as sounding like a cross between a cymbalom and a Gravikord. "It's edgier than the traditional lute, yet maintains the tranquility that has made harps so popular among Baroque enthusiasts."

Carpenter promises to play crowd favorites including "Types of trees", "Mystical Prism" and "Would you like to see my basement." He says he may even revisit "Sands of Inscriptions", his 38 minute ode to the famous voyage made by the Celts to Iberia to reclaim the Tartessian inscriptions. The Celts fought the Carthaginians using forms of dance art and song poems to the cloud spirit.

"The history is so rich and exciting of that era," says Carpenter. "People literally had to dance fight to claim their rightful property. Only the Bandura can make you feel what the pressure must of been like."

The concert starts at 4 p.m. on the east side of Sellwood Park. It will last until Carpenter's Bandura gets stolen by teenage punk hipsters and thrown into the Willamette River, another tradition.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Estacada Man Caught Playing Keno for Investment Purposes

Jerry Tawnsworth, a 51-year-old truck driver of Estacada, was caught playing Keno in a Gresham bar for the sole purpose to make money. On Wednesday, Tawnsworth was sitting in the Crispy Critter Tavern drinking beer and playing Keno. He made the mistake of telling another patron he wasn’t playing “for entertainment only.”

“Hell, I was done shocked to hear em say he was tryin’ to win from that there machine,” said Dub Izzy, a regular and a self proclaimed expert in badger tendencies. “Everone knows you play just fer fun. Hell, I never expect my nummers to never win neither.”

Izzy quickly notified Doddy Coleman-Kylher, the manager, bartender and cook of The Crispy Critter. Doddy was not pleased to see Tawnsworth trying to turn $5 into $10 or more, thus playing for investment purposes.

“The Oregon Lottery makes it real, real clear they don’t want you to play that way,” stated Doddy while brushing away her stringy hair. “It’s fer entertainment ONLY! Mr. Tawnsworth is not welcome back no how.”

Jerry Tawnsworth said he won’t fight the manager’s decision to 86 him. However, he hopes he can still purchase meth in the parking lot.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Chris Dudley Shows Dedication to Supporters by Missing 400 Straight Free Throws

Chris Dudley, the ex-Portland Trailblazer, continued his campaign for Oregon Governor on Tuesday by pledging to miss 400 straight free throws. The former Blazer center met with over one hundred supporters at the west gym in the Multnomah Athletic Club. With each miss, Dudley made a bold statement to the crowd.

“I want Oregonians to MISS higher taxes,” said Dudley after missing his 45th straight free throw. “I want Oregonians to MISS unemployment. If I’m elected governor, Oregon businesses will MISS unfair government regulations,” he stated after another miss.

With each miss, the crowd roared a little louder. By the time Dudley missed his 350th free throw, people were in a frenzy. Many of the misses were impressive. A few hit the rim 3 or 4 times and bounced out. Some hit the backboard first, then hit the rim and then hit the backboard again.

“A couple shots were dangerously close to going in,” observed one man. “I don’t know how he did it.”

Others were not impressed by the GOP incumbent’s feat. Some argued that Dudley was one of the worst free throw shooters in NBA history and it would have meant more if he would have tried to make them instead.

“He took the easy way out,” murmured a man with glasses and a fake beard resembling John Kitzhaber. “Anyone could do that. I’d like to see him to talk about balancing the budget while balancing on a balance beam.”

When Dudley reached 399 missed free throws, the raucous crowd was on its feet, stomping and clapping like mad. Dudley easily missed the 400th shot. The ball hit the back iron and bounced high in the air. Dudley then leaped up off two feet and grabbed the ball with his massive hands. He brought it down to his chest with his elbows out and showing perfect form.

“Oregon WILL Rebound!” Yelled Dudley as his remaining supporters rushed the court. About half of the crowd had left the gym and return to work as it takes a long time to miss 400 free throws.

The $250 a ticket event raised nearly $3,000 for the Chris Dudley campaign. Asked if he would try to beat the record with 500 missed free throws, Dudley replied "I don't know...that's a crazy thought. I'm just going to enjoy this with my family for a while. You never know though, dreams do come true."

Friday, June 18, 2010

Freezing June Weather all part of Global Warming’s Evil Plan, says Al Gore

Al Gore was in Portland Friday to explain recent cool trends in the Northwest. The former Vice President has been a champion for global warming, holding conferences with world leaders, creating environmental friendly legislation and starting a shirtless boys camp in Vermont.

“It makes perfect sense why Global warming has made things cooler here in Oregon,” stated Gore while standing next to a man in a lab coat. “There is so much heat in the atmosphere that it pushed the colder air here. The cold air has to go somewhere and this is where it came.”

The Pacific Northwest has seen highs barely in the 50s and 60s with lows in 40s, unusually cold for June. Mr. Gore and his team of scientists came equipped with dozens of graphs and pie charts to explain the situation. One scientist held up an illustration of heat monsters destroying a glacier with ice axes.

“You can’t argue with science,” claimed the scientist. “You see, when the polar ice caps melt, it releases the cold air that you’re feeling. That cold air pushes down here holding the warm air out. Soon, we will run out of cold air just like Africa has.”

Al Gore has received some criticism. Some have cited his conflict of interest and called him a “carbon millionaire.” Gore scoffed at his critics and called the allegations completely untrue as he has over a billion dollars in the bank. He claimed some positives can come from Global Warming.

“I support clean energy legislation that will create millions of jobs and help solve the climate crisis, as well as put a ton of money in my pocket,” quipped Gore. “Global warming has made me super rich. You might say I’m crazy rich. The other day I bought a baby off some woman on the street, that's how rich I am.”

The former Vice President refused to answer questions due to his busy schedule and quickly left on his leer jet to a smattering of applause and a few boos.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Officer was Okay with not Receiving Refill of Smelly Anarchist Coffee

While on a routine call in SE Portland, Officer James Crooker spotted the earthy Red and Black Café and decided to stop in for a quick cup of joe. There is no Duncan Donuts or Krispy Kreme in the area so Crooker thought he would give the pro-Anarchy cafe a try. He couldn’t wait to leave.

“The place smelled like a combination of old cabbage and Albany,” stated Crooker. “I didn’t want to be rude and leave so I ordered a small coffee.”

The Police Officer tried to drink his coffee as quickly as possible but that proved to be difficult as he said it tasted similar to 'moldy mushrooms' with undertones of 'feet of a migrant worker'.

“I should have known when I ordered a ‘Lawless Hippy Americano’,” said Crooker. “Normally, I buy a couple of cups to support the local businesses but I just couldn’t do it. I don't know...maybe I should have tried a Fight the Power Latte."

Crooker was about to leave when a lady approached him to thank the officer for his service. At that point, Co-owner of Red and Black John Langley, who is uncomfortable with seeing police uniforms unless it’s a Halloween party, The Westside Story or a Village People concert, approached the officer and asked him to leave. Crooker obliged.

“The lady I was speaking with became angry with his request but I couldn’t have been happier,” remarked Crooker. “John Langley saved me another minute of nappy hell and I will forever be grateful.”

The Red and Black Café is an employee owned restaurant and coffee house where everything on the menu is 100% vegan friendly. The employees and many of the patrons also share Anarchist political views, which mean they like using the roads and sidewalks but don’t like those pesky taxes that pay for them.

Langley says that the Portland Police are not the only government paid workers they will kick to the curb. They have sent firemen, social workers and teachers out of the building.

“The other day a Census taker came into the shop and we started to throw raisins at his head. It was pretty awesome,” stated Langley.

When asked why he doesn’t just refuse to give them service before kicking them out, Langley replied that he doesn’t want to “miss out on the sale.” Still, Officer Crooker and the rest of the Portland precinct say they have no ill will towards the people at Red and Black.

“In fairness to them, we have shot a few people this year,” he said. “So now they won’t serve us coffee. I think we’re even.”

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

World Cup Fans fined for throwing English Tea in Willamette River

Three drunk and rowdy World Cup fans were issued citations for tossing bags of Earl Grey tea off the Burnside Bridge late Saturday afternoon. Onlookers spotted the trio throwing the tea in protest to the 1-1 tie between England and the United States in the World Cup.

Klellyn Dander, Ray Gahl and Travis “Biggs” Swanson were each fined $179 for littering off the downtown bridge. Additional fines and/or charges may be issued if a cleanup crew is needed for the river.

“We actually think only three bags of tea found its way to the river,” stated Officer Jed Looms. “Fortunately, they did not bring much tea and they throw like girls.”

Peggy Halls, who was riding her bike across the bridge at 4:30, witnessed the unusual scene. She noted that the ‘Tea Party’ didn’t last long as one of the men sat down due to fatigue and the others soon ran out of tea. She flagged down the police officer.

“They were pretty drunk and it was really windy. Most the bags of tea were blown back onto the bridge. One of them hit me in the arm,” said Halls.

Officers were still trying to figure out who started the hastily planned prank, which was apparently suppose to resemble the famous Boston Tea Party of 1773. A receipt for three boxes of Earl Grey tea was found in Ray Gahl’s pocket. The men had pooled their remaining dollars and stopped at a nearby market after drinking all morning at The Thirsty Lion Pub.

“We dint throw em all,” slurred Gahl. “I call my wife to say what we gonna do and she says to save some. She had a sore throat.”

A bartender for The Thirsty Lion remembered the three men during the England and U.S. match. He asked them to leave after they became disgruntled with the slow pace of the game and began fighting with a few English tourists.

“I don’t think they had ever watched soccer before,” said the bartender, who asked to remain nameless. “They complained that there was too much kicking and not much scoring. One of them got pretty belligerent and started yelling and quoting parts of Thomas Paine’s Common Sense to the British gentlemen.”

When the match ended in a tie, one of the men ranted that he hadn’t seen an uglier tie since walking into his stepdad’s closet. This upset some of the soccer purists in the pub who are use to little scoring, fake injuries and greasy European hair. The bartender was afraid a scrum might break out and asked the men to leave.

In addition to the fines, the three men have been banned from entering the Thirsty Lion or crossing the Burnside Bridge for the remainder of the World Cup.