The news in Portland the local media missed

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Officer was Okay with not Receiving Refill of Smelly Anarchist Coffee

While on a routine call in SE Portland, Officer James Crooker spotted the earthy Red and Black Café and decided to stop in for a quick cup of joe. There is no Duncan Donuts or Krispy Kreme in the area so Crooker thought he would give the pro-Anarchy cafe a try. He couldn’t wait to leave.

“The place smelled like a combination of old cabbage and Albany,” stated Crooker. “I didn’t want to be rude and leave so I ordered a small coffee.”

The Police Officer tried to drink his coffee as quickly as possible but that proved to be difficult as he said it tasted similar to 'moldy mushrooms' with undertones of 'feet of a migrant worker'.

“I should have known when I ordered a ‘Lawless Hippy Americano’,” said Crooker. “Normally, I buy a couple of cups to support the local businesses but I just couldn’t do it. I don't know...maybe I should have tried a Fight the Power Latte."

Crooker was about to leave when a lady approached him to thank the officer for his service. At that point, Co-owner of Red and Black John Langley, who is uncomfortable with seeing police uniforms unless it’s a Halloween party, The Westside Story or a Village People concert, approached the officer and asked him to leave. Crooker obliged.

“The lady I was speaking with became angry with his request but I couldn’t have been happier,” remarked Crooker. “John Langley saved me another minute of nappy hell and I will forever be grateful.”

The Red and Black Café is an employee owned restaurant and coffee house where everything on the menu is 100% vegan friendly. The employees and many of the patrons also share Anarchist political views, which mean they like using the roads and sidewalks but don’t like those pesky taxes that pay for them.

Langley says that the Portland Police are not the only government paid workers they will kick to the curb. They have sent firemen, social workers and teachers out of the building.

“The other day a Census taker came into the shop and we started to throw raisins at his head. It was pretty awesome,” stated Langley.

When asked why he doesn’t just refuse to give them service before kicking them out, Langley replied that he doesn’t want to “miss out on the sale.” Still, Officer Crooker and the rest of the Portland precinct say they have no ill will towards the people at Red and Black.

“In fairness to them, we have shot a few people this year,” he said. “So now they won’t serve us coffee. I think we’re even.”

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